It’s the second week of working to a new show next Spring(2013) and I am not doing much painting, though I started 3 canvasses last week. No, this week, I am doing some pencil and charcoal studies, something I haven’t done for years. Normally I slap straight into the paint eager to produce something.
With the sketching I do not feel I am producing anything I can use in the show and this makes me uneasy which in turn makes me wonder why I am so eager to create tangible offerings to the outside world.
I subscribe to the idea that it’s the action that counts rather than trying to impress but I am human I suppose and I look for affirmation through my work. I don’t think there’s anything much wrong with that as long as seeking approval doesn’t become all, which it can sometimes.
Approval is probably the wrong word, it’s a bit more complex than that. It is more about creating for myself an identity, something I can point to and say “Look, that is me, that is who I am. I have a right to be here.”But do I need to “do” things to claim my place?Do I need an excuse to be here?That’s another conversation.
Still, I am thinking the external display of my art needs to be balanced with a private experience of exploring, messing around, seeing what happens. And that is what I am trying to do and I find I am enjoying it quite a lot, just being, only it is being with a pencil or a piece of charcoal in hand 🙂